Hope all is well

• Start doing yoga again
• Eat healthy
• Start running again
• Get bangs
• Paint 1 decent landsape painting
• File my taxes
• Clean my makeup drawer
• Do a full set of nails
• Get my eyebrows waxed/threaded by a professional

I love how every single time I have a breakdown, I feel the need to come to tumblr with the aftermath. I predicted this breakdown was coming and I’m also predicting a depressive episode starting soon. 

A lot of good things have been happening to me lately. It’s great and I’m happy and thankful and wow. Today I was working and something bothered me in a way that I can’t really explain. Long story short: I ended up feeling like I’m nothing and today I thought about what if I just killed myself cos I’m tired of having this recurring feeling.

I’ve also been soaking up a lot of other people’s energy. It’s just me trying to help everyone in any way I can. I’m mentally exhausted. I don’t have the mental capacity to help everyone, but I still manage to do it. Not really sure why.

I want to cry more. I need to cry more. But I can’t ugly cry and sob like I really want to. 

I can’t stand that when I have a breakdown, I will think of every little damn thing that can possibly bother me. What is going on?

Today I took the freeway to work (I normally don’t) and I started to get really emotional because of what part of the freeway I was on. Even while I write this I can feel myself wanting to cry about it. It’s been a number of years and I should be ok, but I’m emotional in general so maybe this is just me for the rest of my life. I’ve already said sorry, but if I could say it again I would. 

I should just end this post here. I didn’t really have anything structured to say anyway. Just me rambling so I can stop fucking crying. 

Hope everyone’s doing well.

How do I start a blog that’s going to reveal too much? Will I be oversharing? Is this necessary? Will I feel better? Do I have an audience? 

I am not exactly a ray of sunshine at the moment. I definitely haven’t been for the past week or even weeks. Living with depression just fucking sucks. 

I thought I had much more to say, but all I really wanted to say was that I want to die. I am a mess. I am lost. I am pathetic. I am nothing. 

I’m upset over the world. I’m upset with things I cannot control. I’m upset with myself. I’m upset that I can’t open up. I’m upset that it feels like nobody takes me seriously. I’m upset that I’ve convinced myself to not take myself seriously. And I’m tired. I’m tired of being upset. I’m tired of myself. I’m tired of being tired. I’m so tired. 

I wish I was normal. I wish I didn’t have so many problems. I wish I had different problems. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I didn’t feel weak. I wish I didn’t feel like a burden. 

Goodnight.